The devils of creation briefly explained here as we spend a few hours with the artiste nearly always known as Mike Burr
. ..see more of his greatest works on Mike Burr and his cultural advancements;

So without further ado this is how you bake a cake ...
Find out if you've got anything to put in your cake [parts of your anatomy don't count unless you are desperately hungry
or they have proven useless over a long period of time] .. here ive selected carrots and hobbits foot
Put some things in a saucepan .. try to fit them in neatly so that they are mostly on the INSIDE ... It is very important to ADD THE THINGS YOU LIKE .. so ive discarded the hobbits foot in favour
of selected free range carrots, mangled frozen broad beans and ITALIAN choice spahgetea, colloquially spag
and ive added water which i did earlier and furthermore it was boiling else you get
a congealed mass of spag as i proved once at well known sports venue.. BOIL HARD till all the waters gone [easily detected by recourse to nose]... or if in haste drain ..
{optional} Quite often in the world of art things fall on the floor .. and the old adage "WAIST NOT = WANT ALMOST NOT"
couldn't be truer in my view .. so chuck it in
.. ive lived hundreds of years and am an amalgam of all sorts of junk ..it wont do you hardly any harm .. now in 'Artist World' the food often tastes gritty, mouldy or even fluffy so PEPPER is an essential in every dish
especially x-CAKE-x and here is a pic of me adding some

and some more things .. not all of which were dead

Now i have to admit that things don't always go as smoothly as the above .. now where is that measuring jug ???
and yes for the nerds amongst you . yes that is a 1950's EMI TR90 tape unit buried under the teach yourself recorder books on the table
ahh hah there it is .. right next to the cooker ...remove deodorant cannister from inside it ..
this is not compulsory or even necessary but we will wash it just to show you how its done ...
bit of a 'dry dilemma' as the towel is dirtier than the jug ..

I hope you KIDS are still PAYING ATTENTION there
.. just a few more things then we can put it in the oven and BE LIKE REAL ARTISTS

Onkay donkay .. add more things {origin unknown} vegan eggs

well things didnt go smoothly here cos the honey ran out of this jar .. i added some hot water
to dissolve the stuff off the side of the jar and shook it:- it exploded, covering me in boiling hot honey-water
then when i went to open the next jar the plastic wrapper didn't come apart as it should ..

but this provides us with an excellent example of what it like

BEING A REAL BLOKE !!!!

formative bloke-kids watch as the expert carefully selects a cheap Chinese screwdriver .. in Bloke World a chisel would have been an even better choice .. as
these can result in serious injury .. either way the honey jar is going to shoot off onto the floor and probably break ..
leaving a great artiste wanting to lick the floor for a long time and scraping goo and shards of glass off the soles of his feet in bed at night ..
this picture demonstrates the correct technique ..
anyway nothing too bad happened .. and YOU JUST CANT HAVE ENOUGH HONEY or pepper IN A CAKE ....

don't forget to lick the runny bits off the side of the honey jar ...

.. after all that hard work and possibly serious injury don't forget to put it in the very filthy oven ..
now some people think that tidying up is the WORST BIT ..
clean the utensils ..and don't forget to put the deodorant back in the measuring jug ..

Pre-Amble Over .. this is the bit you've been waiting for ..... this is where you start being LIKE A REAL ARTIST

I know that many of you have THEORIES regarding the intimate lives of artists, sometimes disingenuous, but more probably
completely erroneous .. so

HERE ARE THE FACTS
.. first check that the oven is on and that you really did put the cake you thought you made in the place where you last left the oven
[that may sound overly complicated to some of you .. and I'm afraid i cant explain it ]

So the cake is going to take say 2 hours to burn or 1 hour to bake .. you might have foolishly expected
your penniless artist to go off and say pick up where he/she left off on The raft of the medusa; or the Scrovegni chapel;
but being LIKE A REAL ARTIST .. you have
1) motivational issues
2) psychological hangups
3) obsessions
4 ) visual/perceptual disorders
etc etc
type 'nut' into google and your problem will be there somewhere .. after all you can't even communicate normally ..
you have to write your message in coloured 'ink' mostly on material best intended for making dresses .. how weird is that ..

we know were not going to do anything constructive while our cake bakes and theres no one else here to talk to ... so .. well get some of our paintings ..
hold them up by our shoulder and pretend were talking with a friend about say .. avant garde cookery ...
but after a while the side of your face aches from having to talk out of the corner of your mouth to be the voice of the 'painting person'
theres only one thing to do ...

Twang loudly on a guitar....

maybe ...wash your feet in the sink ...???
{yes same towel as earlier!!!]

or imagine what it would be like to be ATTACKED by FORKS !!!

that was a bit close for comfort .. you're sweating profusely .. err best check the cake ...

its at the 'good cake' stage so better leave it in a bit longer ...because you are BUSY ...

BUSY BEING LIKE A REAL ARTIST and feeling INSPIRED >>> !!!

and because you are feeling inspired you suddenly notice the egg shells in the bin .. from the eggs you used in the cake
by some convoluted logic it seem like a great idea to make a 'cake refuse statement' ..
so you decorate your egg shells [i expect this has been done before more elaborately] with the intention of
making an installation movie out of some stills for the benefit of the worlds BIGGEST national galleries

using a variant on your earlier Fork Trauma ..

and like any GREAT movie has a controversial ending ...

but now you are feeling ALIVE ... VERY ALIVE .. and also VERY SAD because you have just murdered
HAPPY HALF EGG SHELL
and all for some crummy installation that nobody would watch for long in the NATIONAL GALLERY anyway ...
Theres only one thing to do ...

Twang loudly on a guitar....

and you check the cake and see its begun to curdle rather peculiarly .. so you put it back in and turn the cooker down a bit
because being VERY INSPIRED AND VERY ALIVE ..
you've remembered that you used TWO eggs to make the cake .. so theres another eggshell in the bin...

Life is Suffused with Cogent and Mysterious forces....

and you create Not Happy Half Egg .. you can tell its a 'SHE' SHELL and SHE'S BORED ..

I am an ARTIST of GREAT EXPERIENCE in these matters of miserable womandom ... and the best thing to do is
take her away on a nice holiday .. somewhere with a beach etc ...
which in this case is the sink .. and a waterfall ..
somewhere with nice loungers
and a lovely pool with some friendly carrot remains ..
but then BEING LIKE A REAL ARTIST .. you have to bugger it all up by bombing her in the pool
so finger person is persona non grata that night ..
no change there then ..
and theres only ONE and a BIT things a GIRL will do in similar circumstances in my humble experience ..

Twang Your guitar very Loudly before Utterly Destroying it....

Run off into the jungle with some obscure tribe and not be seen for a couple of years ....

bad jungle experience ?? who knows ?? ..
but Not Very Happy Half Egg Shell has come quietly back .. ..
she don't wanna talk about it .. she'll just be very sullen in the corner on top of bolt jar 7 for a long long time

.. but now .. its time to ...

TEST THE CAKE ....

one day all cake will be made this way
well maybe not all cake because it wasn't very solid .. it tasted okay and the broad beans didn't really have enough flavour .. but they could have been interesting !!!
nearly all gone
also its mid afternoon and after all that energy sapping inspiration its time for a nice 'AFTER CAKE' SNOOZE ..

Hope that has set the record straight regarding THE SECRET LIFE OF THE ARTIST ....