Get in a big round
Eye up the birds
Start hitting the shorts
And slurring me words
Suddenly feel
Much worse for the drink
Rush out to the bog
And say hello to the sink

(chorus) Asprin, phensic
Headex, disprin time again
Early morning blues and everlasting pain
I will never go out with the lads again
All that lovely money I have peed down the drain

Push the lumps down the plughole
To unblock the sink
Rinse the bits from me teeth
To get rid of the stink
Go back to the bar
To rejoin me mates
Keep wellying them back
The pub's doing lates

In the loo once again
I can't find me peg
Contentedly pee down
Inside me trouser leg
Drive off in the car
Wind the window down in case
Say hello to hewie
As he comes back in me face

(chorus) cont'd

(voice of policeman)
"ello Sid
Looks like one 'ere
Pull over Sir (sniff)
Been out on the beer ?"

"No honestly hofficer
Hi've honly been on Tizer"

"Then Sir, you wont mind
Blowin into this breathalyser"

Later... "You see sonny
I could tell
By the smell on your breff
That you was lyin like 'ell
It's our duty to keep you
Until sober in custody
O.K Constable Block'ead
Lock 'im up in cell free