Fleas
"he must have liked the company of fleas"
fortunately there are quite a few vouchsafe ways to rid them
he read on wikipedia
ranging from baking soda to diatomaceous salts
a whitey talcum powder consisting of the remnants of marine phytoplankton
so he put some baking soda in his socks which by now could stand alone unaided
and probably against medical advice drank a strong decoction of the salts
to his amazement he excreted a very lengthy tapeworm
and a seething mass of white roundworm
which weren't very pleased as it was no happy cafe for them any more
just a petrifyingly cold trip to the shit factory via the
antediluvian drains of London .. not exactly a worm comfort break
and although the fleas didn't go on the extended holiday he'd hoped
in fact they were very happy fleas by now and snuggled up to his extending wormless bulk
and nibbled him nightly, lovingly as any new wed wife
he did feel a lot better but hoped he wasn't destined to die of Fattycide
anyway i went round to see him
i don't think I've told you but before he was made redundant
long ago in the "Washing Years" he was an expert on micro-miniaturization
biomimetic systems development and since he didn't have a lot to do as a dosser
and since he hadn't lost his marbles in the Dementure Games
he thought he'd teach himself computer programming from the waist up in this case
the neighbours son blagged him a bloody powerful machine their works were chucking out
and off he went
he managed to hack the speech cognitive programs embedded in the operating system
and it was only a matter of about 5 sleepless years he developed a crude translator
like google translate only it could do stuff like Romanian properly
and it could definitely talk Dalek to Klingons
so one day he went down the dump and some one had chucked away
one of those Brunel [product placement] high power biological, stereomicroscopes
with computer imaging .... yessssss
so he rigged up an ultrasonic sound set ... put some of his blood on a slide
and induced a flea or two for tea
Here's the transcription of some of his early conversations
"hi I'm Eric do you like the lunch I've made you"
flea 1 "Lordy who said llllllllthlat ... are you ddddong those stupid impRussssssions againn"
flea 2 "no i nnnnever said nnnnniffin"
turns softdial ..to improve translation
"its me ....Eric Edwards the Giant the one you like to bite "
fleas "eeeeeekkk"
"don't worry i come in peace"
flea 2 " yea they say that on Star Trek and look what happens then "
" look ... on my computer it says ...Fleas... that's our name for you...
aren't just itchy pests, they're also nasty little vectors of disease"
flea 1 "well thats bluddy rude dont you think thats rude Victor"
flea 2 " yes i do Denise ... its little Victor and Denise and were very houseproud
we only bite the best people and you Eric you're far and away the tastiest animal we've ever eaten"
flea 1 "yes Dog , cat , flamingo yuk ... yes we are very comfortable inviting our friends over to you for a bite yuknow"
"Please Victor and Denise Fleas it hurts when you bite me .. i get nasty little spots and itchy behind the knees"
flea 1 "surely you don't mind a hint of discomfort for a few friends do yu Eric"
now i have to tell you that
there are over 2,2000 species of fleas worldwide and they don't all speak the same dialect
or even language but ultrasonic London Cockney is about the nearest to Flea talk
flea 1 " have you got any children Eric "
"no but my teenage nephew stays here sometimes when he's not at college"
flea 2 " where are you going Denise "
flea 1 " I'm just going to hop back on you Eric I'm going to make you some thing "
flea 2 " blimey there's a lot in that saucepan "
flea 1 " hes a Giant Vic ... now give this to your nephew Eric "
"what is it "
flea 1 "its a present ... not all at once .. it wont hurt him"
"you sure ???"
flea 1 "on my husbands life ... we give it to all our children ..."
"OK hes out in the garden .. ill go and find him ... Johnathan try some of this I've just made it .. just a bit "
" oh my Goodness .. hes jumped 60 feet 5 and 3/4 inches "
and that is the true story of how Johnathan Edwards became the worlds greatest triple jumper
sound and fleas Mike Burr appears courtesy of Mike Burr ,